We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist based in San Francisco, to help us out with the details. Today’s topic: What to do if you find yourself in a sexless relationship.
Q: I’ve been with my girlfriend for about a year. When we first met, we had sex every single day. It was great, and we both talked about how happy we were. But a few months ago, she stopped wanting to have sex. It was like a night and day difference. I don’t understand what happened. I have tried everything I can think of to get her interested again, but nothing is changing. Every time I try to talk to her, she changes the subject, tells me she doesn’t feel like talking, or says stuff like, “I don’t know what to tell you.” I’ve asked her if she wants to break up, but she says she sees herself spending the rest of her life with me. I love her so much, and have been trying to be as patient as possible. I’m just not sure how much longer I can wait.
A: I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I get asked variations of this question on a surprisingly regular basis. It’s normal for sex to slow down in a relationship, but experiencing such a dramatic shift can be scary and frustrating. The fact that your girlfriend won’t communicate with you makes things even worse.
So, how important is sex in a relationship, anyway? It actually depends. “For some, [sex is] absolutely crucial. It is the glue that expresses intimacy and affection,” explains Carol Queen, Ph.D., sex educator and staff sexologist at Good Vibrations. “For others, there are many ways these kinds of love are expressed, and sex isn’t as high on the list. For yet others, sex is a non-priority.” For asexual couples and individuals, for instance, sex is just not as necessary to a relationship as it is to allosexual people.
“But obviously if both partners aren’t on the same page with what sex means to them or their desire for it — and that’s a common issue among couples … [then] the situation can become fraught, or at minimum, calls for clear and direct communication,” Queen adds.
Drastic drop-offs like this almost always happen for a reason — and there are a lot of factors that can impact your sex drive. It’s not your responsibility to figure out exactly what happened, but there are some common reasons for a suddenly (or not so suddenly) sexless relationship.
“A sudden decrease can be caused by emotional issues within a relationship,” Queen tells Bustle. “[Or] shifts in someone’s sexual or gender identity, whether or not the person has started to deal with the possibility of coming out or changing their life accordingly; external issues like dealing with trauma (past or present) or substantial stress; health issues (things like genital pain, of course, but also lots of other things, including depression, can tank one’s libido — and so can some of the meds that treat some health conditions); or hormones ([it is] pretty common postpartum and at perimenopause to have desire [or] libido issues, though not everyone undergoing these life transitions experiences them).” Any of these could happen all at once or as a slow decrease in sexual desire, she adds.
Here are some common reasons for a decreased sex drive:
- She might be scared. Recognizing that the relationship has become serious and has potential for a lifelong partnership can cause some people to pull away.
- She might be stressed. Our sex drives are very susceptible to shutting down because of stress. She may have been stressed at work, having a disagreement with a friend, or experiencing family drama.
- She might be depressed. Depression is another big libido killer. Or if she recently started taking antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication, those might be the culprit.
- She might have a health issue. There are plenty of health conditions that can dampen your sex drive. She may want to meet with a doctor to suss out some potential causes.
- She might have experienced sexual abuse at some point. I work with a lot of sexual abuse survivors, and one common pattern is that once the the survivor feels attached to their partner, sex can start to feel more vulnerable. The National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline is available at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) for support, or you can visit hotline.rainn.org.
- She might be responding to relationship stress. Had you guys been fighting around the time when her sex drive disappeared?
- She might be cheating. She might be pulling away from you because she has been or is continuing to be unfaithful, even emotionally.
- She might have lied to you about the sex you were having. At the beginning of a relationship, most people try to put their best foot forward and impress their partner. She might have been trying to make it seem like you two were the perfect match sexually. Sex is hard to talk about openly, so she may now be feeling unsure about how to let you know that she wants sex less frequently or wants to have different kinds of sex.
It could be any number of potential culprits causing the decrease in desire, but you want to make sure you bring it up to her at the right time in the right manner. “Make sure you are starting the convo at a not-stressful or time-pressured moment,” notes Queen. “Ask if your partner has the bandwidth now to have a discussion and let them know what you have observed [about] sexual frequency and anything related to it, plus why it is a concern for you.” She also stresses that you shouldn’t accuse your partner or divert to a highly emotional, frustrated mode. Instead, approach the situation with a calm and conversational demeanor. “Bonus if you can practice active listening and reflect back to your partner what you hear them saying to you,” they add.
It could be any number of potential culprits causing the decrease in desire, but you want to make sure you bring it up to her at the right time in the right manner. “Make sure you are starting the convo at a not-stressful or time-pressured moment,” notes Queen. “Ask if your partner has the bandwidth now to have a discussion and let them know what you have observed [about] sexual frequency and anything related to it, plus why it is a concern for you.” She also stresses that you shouldn’t accuse your partner or divert to a highly emotional, frustrated mode. Instead, approach the situation with a calm and conversational demeanor. “Bonus if you can practice active listening and reflect back to your partner what you hear them saying to you,” they add.
If talking with your partner isn’t helping, Queen recommends a physical for the low-libido person with a sex-positive doctor and couples therapy. “If this is not situational and relatively easy to figure out together, it can really help to have an informed [and] trained advocate with you as you figure out what’s going on and how to help,” says Queen. - Your girlfriend may be thinking that you’re expecting to carry on the bunny-rabbit like pace of your first few months together. That could be creating some pressure for her, which may be leading her to pull away. “It is not uncommon for couples to lament the changes in sexual desire and frequency without also recognizing that change is part of life,” Dr. Martha Lee, D.H.S., relationship counselor, clinical sexologist, and founder of Eros Coaching, tells Bustle. “Change doesn’t mean worse but can be better as couples often focus on other aspects of life such as their careers.”
- You may want to talk to her about what you want from your sex life at this point, and make it clear that both of you get to determine what feels right for your relationship. That also means checking your own expectations, notes Queen. “I so frequently hear from people who cannot see elements of their partnered life that might make it hard for a partner to keep up, libido-wise — and I think higher-libido people need to hear that this can really feel like catch-22 pressure for a lower-libido partner, especially if they did start out together in a highly sexual way.”
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2. Explain That Communication Is Important For You
Your girlfriend is putting you in a really unfair position of asking you to stay with her in a sexless relationship, even though she’s not willing to talk about your sex life. It’s torturous! “The lack of communication can lead to second-guessing, tit-for-tat behavior, communication shutdown, and more miscommunication than anything,” Lee tells Bustle.